ON THE MARK.

WHAT IF SPORTS WAS ALLOWED TO COVER THE CONCLAVE?
Depending on who you talk to, the Conclave that resulted in the selection of a new pope was fascinating, stirring, compelling and spine tingling all at once.     Kind of like the NHL draft, but not everybody was wearing an ill-fitting suit and a funny hat.   Wouldn't it have been great had CTV decided to send their TSN crew to Vatican City to cover the event, instead of those boring news reporters?
 
(MUSIC OVER A WIDE SHOT OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL.  THE SONG IS "RED SKIES AT NIGHT" BY THE FIXX, SUNG WITH THE LYRICS "WHITE SMOKE AT NIGHT"
JAMES DUTHIE:   "Hello everyone, and welcome to Draft Day, also known as Selection Saturday.   You are looking live at the chimney on the Sistine Chapel, where in a matter of minutes, smoke will billow and the world will know who the next Pope is.  That man is likely sitting with his parents in the green room, nervously awaiting the announcement.  We did a mock draft here on TSN the other day, and the consensus number one pick was Cardinal Marc Ouelette from Quebec, a natural leader, a left hand shot and a man who can turn a "franchise" around.   Let's bring in Bob McKenzie for his analysis"
BOB:  "James, I just got a tweet from the College of Cardinals, and they're now saying that a discussion is going on regarding the release of smoke, and what it means.   If the smoke is black, that means there will be no Pope, and we'll have six more weeks of winter.   If the smoke is white, we will have a new Pope, and spring will arrive on April 1st.   If the smoke is pink, then Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr will appear on the balcony at St. Peter's Square for a press conference, but they will take no questions from the media. 
DARREN DREGER:  And there's a real buzz here around the Basilica.   A lot of folks are rooting for a "hometown" Pope.  Of course Canadians are hoping for Ouelette, but you'll remember 8 years ago when Cardinal Ratzinger came out of nowhere and shocked even the Germans who had him as a big underdog.  I like Cardinal Scola from Italy this time around.  He's got great potential, is a fabulous two way Cardinal, and is very flexible and modern in his thinking.  I believe he will try to institute mandatory visors, get rid of the center red line,  and allow women to become priests. 
JAMES: The other issue we should discuss here panel is the new Pope's position on mandatory drug testing.  Should all Cardinals have to pee in a cup before performing their duties, and what if one is found to have a positive drug test?  Should he be excommunicated, or just committed to purgatory?   We've got our Vatican correspondent, Father Guido Sarducci standing by in the middle of St. Peter's Square.  He's the gossip columnist for L'Osservatore Romano and a former first round draft pick of the Milan Red Devils.  Father, you've done a lot of papal watching in your time, how do you see this one?
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI:  Well, you know what-a-they-say, White smoke at night, Catholics delight.  I like one of the American Cardinals to be chosen, because they all speak perfect English, and frankly I'm tired of having to listen to an interpreter.  Hey, if you wanna be Pope, learn to speak the language!  
I have it on good authority that the next Pope will not be happy with his entry level contract, and may miss Papal training camp unless his demands are met.   We may even see a trade with the Anglicans if the Catholics can't sign him. 
JAMES:  Over 100 thousand fans have crowded into the Square for this event, and that breaks the old record of 16 thousand fans who packed the Bell Centre in Montreal for the 1992 draft, in which Pope Roman Hamrlik was selected by the Tampa Bay Diocese.   OK, let's go to that live shot of the chimney because there is white smoke billowing out, and that means we are seconds away from finding out who the top pick is.  The Catholics have a jersey and a cap ready.   The jersey has a number "1" on it, and the name "Pope" stitched on the back.  The cap is a size 7 and one-eighth, the most popular hat size of previous pontiffs. 
BOB:   I have to tell you James, the suspense is killing me.  I think there might be some backroom dealing going on prior to the announcement.  Meanwhile, the number of Canadian flags is impressive.   There's a flag shop just off St. Peter's Square, and next to the Italian flag, the Canadian one is the biggest seller.  Remember, there hasn't been a Canadian selected first overall since Cardinal Ryan Nugent-Hopkins in 2011.  This could be the TSN Turning Point. 
JAMES:  Sorry to interrupt Bob, but here comes Rabbi Gary Bettman to the podium to announce the selection. Let's go to our P.A. announcer, Andy Frost.
ANDY:   "Ladies and gentleman, Boys and girls, Catholics and non-believers.   Please direct your attention to the balcony, where the new Pope will be announced and then interviewed by TSNs Ray Ferraro.
BETTMAN:   "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the city of Vatican, the college of Cardinals, and the National Hockey League, I am pleased to announce the first selection.  From Buenos Aires Argentina, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, also known as Pope Francis. 
JAMES:  "So there you have it, Ron Francis, one of the greatest players in the game, a Hall of Famer, is the new Pope.  A great two way player.  A two time Stanley Cup winner, a three time Lady Byng trophy winner and the perfect choice here on Selection Saturday.   And that's not just blowing smoke.    Now, let's send it back to SportsCenter.